Yay! Pictures!

First of all here’s a pretty picture from a monastary that we’ve been to a number of times.

here’s a picture of me being very dashing in the castle

here’s me looking down a couple thousand feet. i think.

and finally here’s a picture from the really awesome mountain town of Metsovo.

Check out the rest of the photos I uploaded at my gallery.

Also, I’m leaving tomorrow for a 12 day excursion through the islands as you probably know already. That means that you probably won’t hear from me for a while. Also, If I’m motivated, and I have your mailing address, I just might mail you a postcard today. I’m not sure how long it takes to get there, but I’m sure you’ll get it before I get back.

Anyways, I jotted down some stream of consciousness last night. Read it if you must, but it’s long and rambling and pretty stupid. nevertheless if you feel compelled to provide some insight to me, i’d be ok with it.

ugh.

for some reason my brain has come to the “conclusion” that people are “predestined” to do things. I always end up comparing myself to people that have been doing something for the entire life. it’s like, I don’t feel right to commit to something now when I compare myself to people who have been doing something their entire life. I don’t feel like I should, for example, be a photographer, when there are people that have been doing photography all their life. But then, i also think i think this is a silly notion because how could someone else know any better what they should be doing with their life? and then i bring in the idea of naive young pleasures. perhaps i should be doign something like this because i’ve just now found out about it as a cognizant adult. i guess i’m “struggling” with the idea of committing to something. i don’t know if i even have to. i just feel so different from everyone else sometimes. i also feel so apathetic and selfish sometimes. Sometimes i talk about dedicating my life to making the world better, but the more and more i think about it the less and less i feel like i can exact any change. i dont feel compelled enough for any one cause to commit my life to it. or i don’t feel like im the best one for the job.

maybe i should stop worrying and let someone else choose for me.

and i feel so childish even thinking about these things. it feels like such empty thought. im ready to move on from this paradigm in my life. i feel like im to the point where i don’t care, i just want to get on with my thoughts and life. if i just sit here worrying for much longer i’ll miss everything and end up feeling worse about worrying than i did when i was actually worrying about doing things. you see the basis for my predicament.

i’m also not very good at heeding people’s advice. i’ve never really had a mentor or a role model. i’ve never really felt like i’ve really taken anyone’s advice to heart, right now atleast.

i’ve really been good at deconstructing my sense of self. in some ways i think i’ve strived to achieve that, but i guess i don’t know what i was going to do once i got there. along the way some sort of philosophy got into my head. some thoughts have infested my brain and i want them out. i want focus back. i want to re-become and unbecome a bunch of lies. i want to be ignorant. i want to feel like i can be productive rather than feeling like a waste of space.

but then is this all just bullshit? is this all just whining — a sub-conscious cry for attention? how will i ever know?

is there something out there that can change me? will i know it when i see it? will i take it to heart? can i even be changed?

this is all empty thought.

i feel melodramatic. and i think saying that outloud in my head makes it even more evident.

when, where, how did my brain go wrong. i want to travel back in my mind to find the root of these problems, the root of my infestation.

what does it feel like to be insane?

where can i apply myself to not feel like a waste. should i just go with the flow.

i feel like i can find a flaw with everything (even my thoughts, and basis for this argument), any career that i could get into. there’s always something missing from the equation that would make me happy, or so it seems. either dedicate myself or be selfish. something missing.

there’s no true happiness. then eh?

empty thought.

back to square one.

the strive for perfection is a stupid silly quest with no means to an end. perfection is impossible.

maybe that’s why im drawn to math. it seems perfect.

fuck it, i want my job to be my escape. i want my job to be my ignorance, my catharsis. exit from reality.
but somehow i want it to be both. both escape, but not.

what are my exits:

movies
doodling
reading
pictures
hiking
traveling
history
doing math?
flight?

maybe i should get into medicine. i’ve always like medicine. paramedic. i could do chemistry. emergency technician

everybody has the right to life.

this is all bullshit.

–This reminds me so much of the movie adaptation. I’m going to watch it again. Oh, and for the record, I feel a bit better after having rambled on about the above stuff.